I’m not Queer. I’m Gay. Clinically, I suppose Homosexual. But, I’m not Queer.
I was recently chastised for not “being woke” and “accepting my Queer identity”. Well, sorry, but I don’t have one of those. “If you’re Gay, you’re Queer, you just haven’t accepted it yet” was the response. Well, no, if they were the same thing, if it wasn’t a separate identity tag, we wouldn’t need both a G and a Q in that ridiculous alphabet soup of 2SLGBTQIA+. We’d pick one and stick with it. We’d come up with one term to encompass us all, and we could have one letter. Maybe a superfluous letter like C. I don’t know what it would stand for, but it would be far easier.
Sidebar: When I first moved to NYC in 1982, I was fairly active politically in gay politics, and I became a volunteer at what was then NGTF, the National Gay Task Force. I became part of the “inner circle” of people who met at least once a week, usually twice – I was one of the two people who setup, ran, and trained the staff for the “crisis hotline” that we started around that time. And, I was part of the debate that went on for many long hours in 1985 over whether or not to change the name to NGLTF, the National Gay & Lesbian Task Force. I came down on the side of no. Not because I didn’t understand the argument from the lesbians who proposed it, but because I felt that it was a slippery slope to ending up with, as I put it above, a ridiculous alphabet soup, as one group after another came forward to demand an addition to the name. Those of us in that group ended up being the minority, and the executive board passed and changed the name. We were assured that it would “never happen”. Thankfully, somewhere along the line, as it did actually happen, the board decided against ending up with the N2SGLBTQIA+TF and the organization became simply known as The Task Force. I think it kind of loses something there, but maybe that’s just me.
See, I’m from a generation where the word queer was an epithet, something that got said to you while you were being slammed up against a locker in the hallway. It was used just as often as fag, the other major slur thrown out as a fist smashed into your jaw. It was, perhaps, a trifle more polite among genteel society, who might never tell a fag joke, but held nothing back when telling a queer one. Sort of the equivalent of sambo, spook, or spade for Black people in place of nigger (I’m going to use a few terms in this post that I would never normally use, because I want them to make a point – I hope never to use them again).
And perhaps that’s why it was “chosen” as one to create a political/social identity. “Reclaiming the word” from the haters, much as some in the Black community reclaimed the word nigger, though at times modifying into nigga, perhaps to show some sort of difference, or evolution, or perhaps it’s just an Ebonic shift [Edit: John McWhorter, one of my favorite linguists, has a whole section of one of his podcasts devoted to the difference, I stand corrected.]. The problem is, as it is for many Black people hearing that word, that queer to me still brings up all those old associations of hate. I’m not interested in putting in the work on my psyche to shift my view and make it a positive thing, burying the past. It’s no surprise that while this movement started in the 1980s, the word queer has primarily been adopted by younger generations, ones for whom the word already has begun to lose its sharp edge while they were growing up. Someone throws it at them and they can proudly claim it for themselves.
But for me – hey, let me adopt the vernacular of the day – it’s a trigger word. You get to have yours, you want me to be woke enough to accept that there are words that trigger you? Fine, you better woke up yourself and accept that your word choice is one for me. I’m not going to demand that you don’t use it, I am going to demand that you accept that it’s not the word for me, and that no matter how many times you say it proudly, I’m going to cringe, and find it offensive. And while I understand your desire for me to use it when I refer to you, it’s a word that I simply won’t use – I’ll do my best not to offend you by using a word that’s not your preference, but I’m not going to use a word that for me, retains its derogatory meaning.
But, even more so, in this presidential campaigning season, I’m finding it offensive from those who are not a member of either the Queer or Gay or Lesbian or… you get the idea… communities. Elizabeth Warren, who is not my “cup of tea”, I often agree with her on what the problems are, but rarely on what the solutions are, is the worst offender. She stands up in front of crowds and bursts out with how happy she is to be in front of her “Queer brothers and sisters” or some such. Not 2SLGBTQIA+, or any variation of, or speaking those out in their individual words. No, she just lumps us all as one big Queer Community. And it grates on my nerves every time. I mean, even Mayor Pete doesn’t do that, and he at least would have some claim to be a part of the generally identified group.
Now, let’s try a thought experiment. Or two. Let’s go to a Trump rally. Remember when Trump said that he was “a real friend of the gays”? Imagine that he said “I’m a real friend of the queers”. Imagine that he stood in front of a group of Black voters and said, “I’m a real friend of the niggas”. Or the Jewish community and said, “I’m a real friend of the kikes”. Etc., etc. But okay, I get it, Donald Trump is way and below “not my cup of tea” for many of us. So let’s go back to Warren, or one of the other Democratic candidates who has, on occasion, thrown out the word queer (though as best I can think of, she’s the only one who has used it on its own, a couple of others have either used the acronym or spelled it out with gay, lesbian, bi, queer, trans…). Imagine Warren standing in front of a group of “ethnic” voters of appropriate stripe and saying, “I’m so happy to be in front of a proud group of my nigga/kike/spic/wop/towelhead/nip/chink brothers and sisters”?
I’m guessing you can get that that wouldn’t go over well with a whole lot of them. And you know what, “queer” doesn’t go over well with a whole lot of us.
You don’t understand the concept of being woke or triggered. If you’re in the majority, you can’t be triggered, because you’re part of the oppression. And to be woke you have to accept your the problem. Those of us who are in the minority, who are proudly Queer, understand the reppression of people like you. If you are in a situation where identity is the conversation, you are just going to have to get that your position is one of power and you’ll never understand what it is to be oppressed. Get over yourself!
Jhon – I’m not sure whether to respond emotionally to your rhetorical drivel (okay, at least some emotion) or give you a reasoned response. So, what the hell, I’ll do a little of each.
First, the emotional, since that’s what occurs first. Take your whiny, self-entitled, ungrateful, avocado toast eating, non-fat soy latte with a matcha sprinkle sipping, painted nail self and fuck off. I realize those are imagined traits of your life, but I’m guessing I’m fairly accurate. If you had the slightest clue about oppression and repression, other than what you learned auditing Social Identity Politics 101 for the street cred, in between salon appointments, you’d show some respect for those who came before you, who made it possible for you to even utter the word queer in public without getting your ass beaten. Just as my generation had the whole Stonewall and Matachine Society folks’ work and strife to even create the room for us to start having things like pride marches and, hell, social identity, period. The difference is, my generation honored those folk and built on what they started, while your generation and identity combo, and I’m making an assumption just based on what little I have to go on, seems to think it’s all brand new, and that someone saying a mean word to them is enough to send them into therapy for a month.
Now, the second response, perhaps a trifle more logical. First off, yeah, I get the whole Sociology definition of oppression and racism and the other isms, but those are convenient constructs for teaching about power dynamics in society. They’re not reflective of day to day living, where it comes down to anyone, regardless of race, religion, gender, orientation, etc., can be a bigot, not just the ones of the majority. Obviously there’s a difference in which faction tends to dominate the bigotry, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist in the rest. And when being a gay man became a majority repressor, versus a personal, political identity choice of being queer, I’m at a loss to even fathom. Second, I didn’t put myself in a situation where identity was the conversation. I was chastised by a customer who’d been at my restaurant, at the end of the meal, who felt that Henry and I were a) not queer enough for how much he felt we should be, and b) hadn’t created the queer empowering experience that he’d expected to have. It’s fucking dinner in a restaurant. There are men and women, gay and straight people at the table, along with whatever other gender and orientation identities may pop up – we don’t pick and choose. We cook and serve food and pour wine, and have conversations with our customers about all sorts of topics. A “queer empowering experience” doesn’t even enter into our planning.
Here’s the thing, and I go back to the middle of my original post. Try a thought experiment. Imagine being in a room with a group of black people. Now, imagine that someone calls them all niggers, even if that person who calls them that is black. Can you accept that there will be some among them who will find that offensive, even though the person saying it is black? If you can’t, we probably have no common ground for a conversation. I assure you that 999 times out of a 1000, there will be people there who find it offensive. Now are you going to tell them to “get over themselves” and “get a life”? Or are you going to be respectful, at least when talking to them? Again, if not, we have no common ground, because you have little to no right to claim humanity, let alone woke-ness. So, if you can, why can’t you accept the same in a room full of people who are gay, lesbian, trans, or other? Some of us will find words that have a historical pejorative usage, offensive. Show a little respect when speaking to us. If you want me to call you by your chosen pronoun, or identity, give me the same respect.
In sum… grow the fuck up. You will, whether you think so or not right now, five years from now, ten years from now, twenty years from now, there will be some new identity paradigm and someone will hit you with how you’re the problem, and you’ll be right where I am.
https://quillette.com/2022/11/25/gay-not-queer/